My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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