I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
