if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
