I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
