Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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