if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Dignity is for republicans.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You need Xanax blowdarts
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
