i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
