Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
