just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
