If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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