All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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