How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I look better un-naked...
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
