Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It's official drugs can't kill me
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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