Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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