If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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