That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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