I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
