someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
