I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize