a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Randomize
