Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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