There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
