VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
