I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
