I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize