I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
