I love black thongs
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
