No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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