I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
