when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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