I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
