we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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