either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
We need to get me chipped asap
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
