There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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