Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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