I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
