My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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