I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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