If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
