the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
