am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
