the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i will never coherently bang her
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
