Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The police scanner is talking about you again....
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
