Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
