the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
