M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
