I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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