well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
