I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
