I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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