its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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